A record of courage
This week a phrase came to my attention that I've heard many, many times over the years. But, this time, it hit differently.
'Courage is not the absence of fear...but showing up and taking action despite it'.
Oooof. Why is it that these seemingly 'cheesy' phrases can have an impact on us one day and not the next?
I'll tell you...;)
There is another phrase that I love: 'the lesson will appear the number of times that the student needs to hear it'.
I think that is part of the answer - sometimes we aren't ready.
Sometimes we are defiant. Sometimes we are afraid.
And, sometimes, we don't have the tools or the support to move through the fear - with courage - to the outcome that we know that we want.
We lack confidence to go for it. Sometimes, we also shame ourselves for not being 'brave' enough.
The first saying tells us it is NOT the absence of fear that we need, but the ability to move despite and with it.
Here are two things that really help that I have learned consistently throughout the years, and these have helped me do things that I found shit-my-pants scary, such as doing a TEDx talk; adventuring in the wilderness of Zimbabwe and running my business:
1) a tool that I use with my clients time and time and time again, is the collecting of EVIDENCE. That is, evidence of what you need to believe; evidence of who you are; evidence of when you have previously been courageous; evidence that you are capable; evidence of badass shit that you've done!... here is a 4 min video where I share one of my favourite ways of collecting evidence
Go, collect evidence, and then ask yourself "what does the version of me that did all THIS, know about how to move through fear and what to do next?"
Because we have to train our brains to remember the good stuff as we are hardwired to focus on negatives for survival (thanks brain!)
2) We cannot do this alone. This is not about 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. It's about 'feel the fear and work compassionately with yourself with support from those who can hold you'. I am beyond grateful to so many in my life who have held me, guided me, worked with me and been by my side as I've moved through my many, many fears over the years.
I couldn't have done any of what I've managed without these two things. In taking my own medicine, I collated a list of stuff that's scared me over the years that I've moved through.
These are not in chronological order or in order of importance, and I know that I have forgotten many other moments of courage over the years…and I share them with you as an act of accountability and solidarity. I hope that you’re able to do a similar audit of evidence for yourself and I’d to hear some of yours if you’d like to share:
learning to scuba dive and carrying on for 20 years despite having panic attacks when I first tried it
leaving my job to move to Australia for two years in the middle of the 2008 financial crisis despite a fear of the unknown
quitting full-time 'secure' employment to start my business despite a fear of what the future held
continually showing up for my cancer treatment and, now, post-treatment check-ups and scans, despite the 'scan-xiety' and fear of cancer returning and the 'health admin fatigue' that I suffer from
taking three months off for a 4 wheel drive adventure expedition in Botswana and Namibia despite the fear of the unknowns of adventure
applying for and delivering my TEDX talk despite a fear that I would fail
starting the daily Covid-19 lockdown One Track, 3 Minute Dance Party for total strangers, despite the fear that no one would join in
completing a solo hike in the U.S. whilst on chemotherapy despite the fear of the unknown (it was horrific!)
retraining as a coach despite a fear of investing the money and what would come next
learning to 4 wheel drive (4x4) despite not thinking it was a place I belonged
abseiling 328ft down the Spinaker Tower in Portsmouth for charity despite a crippling fear of heights
continuing to try for a family despite fear of the pain of further losses after miscarriages and associated trauma (until I made the decision to cease trying)
investing in professional coaches despite a fear of spending the money
having responsibility for high profile events in central government (eg all media events with Gordon Brown) despite the fear of the potential for very public failure in front of the world's media and powerful people!
putting myself 'out there' for my business despite being petrified of visibility
applying to give one of the microlectures at the Royal Geographical Society despite the fear that there was too much competition
hiring a campervan by myself in the U.S when I'd never driven on the right-hand side of the road, and when I was PETRIFIED of driving on the 12 lane LA freeway!
making the decision to end my marriage despite the fear that it was the wrong decision to leave the man I loved
learning to freedive despite the mental discipline that this involves and the fears of not breathing!
having a chapter published in a book despite the fear that my writing wouldn't be good enough
running the London marathon despite hating running and a fear of the distance and the pain
asking people out when I was dating despite previous deep heartbreak
swimming in the winter despite a fear and hatred of the cold
deciding to stay in this world despite the fear of how hard it was to get well again after depression, and an occasion years ago where I felt a deep desire (and had a plan) to leave it
white water rafting on the insane Zambezi despite a (new) fear of doing this
planning and completing a 4 months expedition across outback Australia, despite the fear of the terrain and the conditions and sheer vastness of the journey
whilstle-blowing in the civil service despite a fear of the reprisals (and being a victim of workplace bullying for it afterwards)
travelling to San Diego to a coaching conference despite the fear that I was a 'nobody' and didn't belong there
exercising again (including jumping and weight-bearing) after breaking my leg despite the fear of the intense pain and of damaging it again
making a dash for the bush toilet when I had an emergency at 2am in Zimbabwe despite a fear of the leopard outside that I had heard earlier (spoiler... I didn't make it!)
saying "I love you" first despite the fear of it not being said back
entering my first international cake decorating competition (and achieving a bronze award) despite fear of failure
asking for help when I was mentally unwell despite fearing being a burden and being unloveable
doing karaoke in public despite refusing to do so my whole life due to a fear of embarrassment and judgement
starting to promote how I help people through my business, despite the fear that no one would ever pay me for this service
canyoning in Montenegro despite my fear of heights
investing in professional coaches despite a fear of spending the money
deciding to stop actively pursuing the long-held dream of having a family, despite the fear of letting go of this
travelling to Zimbabwe alone and leading a friend on a 4 wheel drive adventure, despite fear of what could happen
taking part in activities (like walking safaris and rhino tracking) despite the incredible raw fear that runs through you when you're so close to some huge and potentially dangerous animals
continually writing and sharing with the world in order to help others and promote the work that I do despite the (initial) fear that I would get 'rejected' or it would be dreadful or I would get online abuse
standing up for myself in a physically violent abusive relationship despite the fear of the violence continuing (which it did)
giving the eulogies at both my Dad's and my best friend's funerals despite the deep emotional pain and the fear that I would break down
initiating hard conversations in my relationship despite the fear of conflict or rejection
engaging in therapy over the years despite the fear of the pain that needed to be worked through
asking for help on many occasions for many things despite the fear of being thought of as stupid
Remember - you are more powerful than you know. If you need help remembering that and working through your fear, you can speak to me about how I could help you.
Because we all need someone who's got our back. Even when we're struggling to remember that.