How to get over heartbreak

I was recently asked: “how do you get over a really heart-breaking situation and come out the other side?"

Here are my extensive thoughts, and I hope that these are helpful. This doesn’t just apply to relationships - it can be any situation that is incredibly painful.

Avoid measuring your suffering against anyone else's.

We tend to think: “who I am to feel this when there’s so much worse happening in the world/to that person I know”.

What is real for you is REAL. What I know from my studies and work and my own therapy is that our feelings aren't dealt out in strength and potency in a logical way - we can often feel as devastated by something that our logical brain determines as 'not that bad' as by something that it thinks is awful. 

Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling and name it - without shame or comparison, because then you can start to work with it. When you go down the thought spiral of “I shouldn't feel this bad cos it's not as bad as x y z" then you risk suppressing feelings, which isn’t healthy.  

At this stage, allow yourself to take things day by day or hour by hour. Gentleness is key.

If this is any comfort at all, know that what you are feeling has been (and is) felt by many across the millennia. We all know what heartbreak feels like, you are NOT alone and everyone knows how hard and painful this is. 

The MOST helpful piece - but also the hardest? Acceptance of what IS rather than wishing for what was or could have been.

It is so hard, and the most helpful thing I have ever done for myself. Accepting where I am.

I don't have to like it, I can wish it had been different, but no amount of wishing will change it. It's really tough but so helpful.

I got very good at being kindly strict with myself about that - especially with a break up and the childlessness I experience. I allowed (and allow, I still do it now) myself to feel sad or angry or tired or grieving or hopeless etc and to cry or process the emotion in whatever way I could.

Then, I made sure I answered any 'what if' thoughts with a strong, factual phrase. 

For example: 

"Yes, this is so hard. I feel so sad and that is normal. And there is no point wishing it was different because isn't. That breaks my heart but that is how it is. I must and can accept that. I could wish it was different but it is not. I must gently focus on what IS today, and the next day and build from here. I don't know what that looks like but I know that this is real, and what is gone is gone. There is only this moment, now."     

And I kept on doing that.  Reading that and repeating it to myself. That kept me out of too much doom and spiralling into 'what ifs'. Because that is dangerous. 

Remember that it is normal for the everyday nonsense that makes up life can build up and be extremely wearing - especially when you have suffered a heartbreak. It can feel so hard to pick ourselves back up, and the everyday nonsense sometimes seems to add insult to injury.

Gratitude can be a very helpful part of a healing practice.

Not in a toxic positivity way to deny the other darker feelings, but more gently – for example, noticing three things that you are grateful for at the end (or the beginning) of the day. These things can be huge or tiny or anything in between. 

Avoid 'should-ing' yourself.

Someone said of their experience “life is good but I'm not feeling it the way I should”. You've just suffered a heartbreak. Of course you aren't responding to life in the usual way. Often, things feel dull, lacklustre and pointless. You are grieving - not just a person, but a relationship, an imagined/agreed future, and a whole lot of hope. And the grieving process can and will take time.

This is a grief process, I have found grief resources very useful in similar situations.

We sometimes only think of grief relating to people who have died, but this absolutely is a grief. There is a book called 'The First Year of Grief Club: A gift from a friend who gets it' by Addison Brasil, which might help. There are quite a lot of grief resources online that I have found helpful. There are quite a lot of therapists online who share really helpful free resources (and cheap ones) on social media and elsewhere. 

Allow the full spectrum of emotions without shame.

Sometimes we can feel ashamed to name or acknowledge the less comfortable emotions: sadness, anger, resentment, bitterness, vindictiveness etc (if and when they occur), and these are normal. Processing them allows them to move through and not stay stuck within us.

Remember that it won't always feel this way.

When you're in the depths of it, it can be hard to believe anything else will ever be the case, but please remember that it does get less painful – and not necessarily with time, but with kindness and compassion to yourself 

VERY important: avoid clichés and limiting beliefs.

Try and be really strong with this. It can be easy when in this state to fall into despair and this is when old beliefs or habits or intrusive thoughts find it easier to sneak into our minds.

The first step is to notice what you're thinking and feeling and see what is in there that might be unhelpful in the long run. The person who asked me mentioned looking back a lot and being regretful. It's normal to feel deeply sad about these situations, and it takes work to not get stuck there.

I find it helpful to write them out and then deliberately write something that is/could be equally true and is more neutral or more forward looking.

For example:

Instead of: “I could have done more/wish I'd done more to help/save/fix'

Try: “I did what I could with the skills and resources that I had. Relationships are two people together and I couldn't do everything or any more than I did”.

Instead of: “I hate being alone, it feels dreadful and I'm afraid I will always be alone'

Try: “I'm in pain and hurting right now. This doesn't mean this will always be how I feel. There are 7 billion people on the planet and many with whom I might be compatible if I want to be in the future. I need to believe that anything is possible, when I'm ready". 

Notice anything else that has the word 'too' in it – for example: “it’s too hard” / “I'm too old to...”/  “too much time has passed...”

Be aware when you might be creating a rule and assumptions from a thought - remember, thoughts are not facts.

Another good statement to hold onto is:

"This feeling is awful and understandable, and it doesn't mean everything IS terrible or the future is bleak. I feel terrible and that is ok. It does not mean that life and everything is terrible. I am having a heart-breaking experience, and that does not make the rest of life awful - and I can acknowledge that it is hard to see past this feeling right now. And I also know that sometimes and some days I will feel differently".

The point above is very important as we are literally training our brains to listen and look for what will confirm what we already are thinking. There is a phrase "you get what you look for", and it is quite literally true. It is very important to believe that something else is possible - and so we must look for evidence that it is. When you feel a little stronger, you can create some positive beliefs that you'd rather believe and start looking for evidence of that, instead. The good thing about the internet is that you can find anything to back up anything you want to see/believe! (It's a bit like our brains in that way). So... you may as well find things that uplift you and give you hope. 

Collecting evidence is an important part...

you will have 'evidence' that you CAN do hard things, that you are determined, that you can manage difficult situations, that you can do things that you're apprehensive about. You CAN.

Yes, you don't want to be in this situation or doing this right now, but, remember that the hard things that we choose gives us resilience for the hard things that we did not choose. It is important to remember this part of who you are in the process when we feel swamped with the things that are draining you. You are more than these very hard and painful and normal feelings. 

There's an element of needing to feel all the sadness and grief and recognising when we're almost enjoying that sad space as well (which is also normal), and trying to find a bit of a balance, when you're ready. Start looking at things that are easier to feel - just simple things to enjoy day by day. Try to find or create little 'glimmers' in the day. Feeling the sun on your face, laughing with a friend, cuddling an animal, having a dance to your favourite track, getting a small sense of achievement from a task. Start small, and try and create these. 

Processing

You may have your own usual practices but I have found two things that have saved me over the years: writing (or journaling, if you call it that), and meditations and visualisations.

Writing and talking are both some of the best ways of processing (hence why therapy is so helpful, too) - because it gets the thoughts that are swirling around our head out of there and onto paper or out in the world - this frees up space in our minds and when we can see it in black and white or hear it, we can often look at it more objectively. It's incredibly powerful.

Meditation is also incredible for helping bring peace and to process. There are so many tools and resources - I need to listen to guided meditations as my mind is busy so I can't just sit and think nothing. I downloaded or bought specific meditations that were applicable to my situation sometimes - e.g. grieving, heartbreak etc and they are so helpful as well as more general ones for peace or feeling positive or powerful or hopeful or whatever I needed to hear. They helped me to feel what I needed to, and sometimes to let it out, through crying, and then feel better.

I do a little bit of journaling and meditation every single day and I'm convinced that is what keeps me sane. 

Reach out for support

To friends and family who you think will be helpful, and, if you know what you need, tell them or ask them. Often, I have found it helpful to state clearly – for example: "this has happened, I'm finding it really tricky at the moment, and I need some time to talk/a walk/something fun to cheer me up/to not talk about it/advice/don't want advice” because sometimes people mean well but can inadvertently make it worse! If you know what you need, it helps to be clear. 

Therapy/counselling.

It’s a space dedicated just to you. Many therapists won't necessarily offer direct advice (although they might suggest resources and tools and things that will be helpful), and they will listen well. Being heard is a big part of the healing process. 

Practical things to start to rebuild a life and create things that bring you joy so that time doesn't feel so empty.

Hobbies or interests are a great help here. Trying new things if you want to. Don't underestimate the importance of doing things and creating other things - not only does it sometimes take your mind off the situation but it can lead to all sorts of joy and opportunities. 

I usually make sure I book things around times that I know I will find hard - e.g. public holidays, celebration days or times when people are with families or in couples etc. 

I’m sending love to anyone who reads this and needs it.