Support without the shame, please
STOP SHAMING YOURSELF – & therefore others – for wanting or needing support, of any sort.
No matter whether you’re wanting support with work, a project, training, a challenge, parenting, relationships…you don’t have to figure it out yourself. Anyone who implies that you ‘should’ or that says anything like “I did just fine by myself and didn’t have all this support”, doesn’t really know how best to have your back. They’re also most likely projecting their ideals (or frustrations) on to you.
And hey - I’ve been there. I’m the person whose first words were, apparently “Do it myself”!
Yes, I do a lot by myself: I have the business inspiration/ideas; I serve my clients 1:1; I designed my method & programmes; I motivate myself & set my own priorities; I write all my content; I plan my weeks; I decide my strategy & direction; I do the advocacy; I write my presentations; I personally deliver the teaching, training and public speaking. I do a lot of continuous professional training & learning; I do client discovery calls; I network and look for opportunities to serve people as best I can in as many ways as I can; I reply to messages; I do the inner growth work with my own coaches and mentors (I currently have two).
AND, guess what? I also choose to have support.
And there isn’t a day that goes by where I am not intensely grateful for it. And, what is also great, is that it allows me to better support others - in many ways.
And of COURSE it’s been a path of very gradual progress – I didn’t just wake up in this (now somewhat privileged) position. Like many of us, I grew this business from scratch, and for a long time, until much more recently, I DID do a lot of what I now get support with myself. I did it tiny step by tiny step. I learnt what I could, muddled along, and also did things such as skill swaps, or small bits at reduced rates, or I got pro bono support from people who were starting out (whom I still work with, and now pay). AND I planned and saved and – CRUCIALLY – invested (time & money), even when I was shit-scared to do so and really wasn’t sure I could afford it.
And I found it hard to let go at times – partly because of this myth of doing it ‘alone’ & the shame that can be (subtly or not-so-subtly) levelled at those who have support - especially women. As if success is less valid if we wisely utilise support.
There is also the crap associated with gender role expectations (on all sides, regardless which gender we identify with) - years ago, I was once shamed for having a cleaner even though I worked part-time. “Errr, my wife works part-time, so I wouldn’t let her have a cleaner”, this charming man said to me (so much wrong with his statement, the word ‘let’ being one of them). I replied “Well, I hate cleaning, AND I don’t work part-time so that I have time to clean. I - like you - choose what to do with my time, and money”.
Sometimes we criticise others because we are envious: “Oh, I’d LOVE to be in that position that I could just hire a …” (Secret: those who say this sometimes can technically afford what they’re talking about, they just choose to spend their money elsewhere – I’ve seen that a lot. Not always, obviously, but a fair amount).
Ever said that, or thought that? How about reframing it: “that's great that you know where best to put your time – do you have any tips on how to juggle stuff until I can invest in that way or where I can get pro bono support?”
Yes, some people do have to do more by themselves (as I used to), & some people choose to do more even if they don’t ‘have’ to. If you do need support but can’t find the resources, its a chance to ask others for their ideas and thoughts on what might be possible, including perhaps if they can support you in some way.
And for those who also have or want support? You’re doing JUST as great – & you’re wisely choosing where to invest if you can.
So, I’d like to shout out to MY incredible support crew past and present…Hayley Clemmens (amazing brand photography); Jo Sweeney (coach and mentor); David Vox (coach, mentor and True Transformation Mastermind creator); Emma Donnelly (Social Media VA); Jacky Leonard (my very first brilliant coach); Jackie Salmon (my first VA); Kat Anklesaria (brilliant visual designer and creator); Laura Parker (my wonderful OBM), Becca Fowles (for this stunning website); Venetia Kotaki (my therapist of a few years ago); and my accountant Michelle Johnson.
I’m also very lucky with the simply vital personal support around me: my partner (he’s great – and thank you for helping me remember to eat! 😂), my wonderful family and my very dear friends.
Lets all celebrate ourselves - whatever section of the path we’re currently walking - and whoever we choose to have alongside us to support us.