Success tip: how to have more control - a very uncomfortable truth - and a way through

You’ve been prewarned – some of you won’t like what I’m about to say…even though, deep down, you know it is 100% true.

It’s both immensely liberating and a little scary.

And that is…that you don’t have control. Even when you try hard, and put in all the work, and try and imagine all scenarios, and plan, and contingency plan, and even when you’re FEELING in control…

Actual control? That is an illusion. There is only ONE thing that any of us can actually have real control over (more on that shortly).

I think we could all agree that the last 18 months have brought this lack of control home in a big way, and yet…we’re STILL trying to control almost everything possible in order to make the world the way that we want it or need it to be.

There is no judgement here – we all do this. And it comes from wanting to create a desirable state for ourselves: to feel safer; more secure; more certain; to get things to be the way that we like them in order to enjoy things more, have more peace, have more calm and to feel happier.

But, of course, we’re still not guaranteed ANY of these feelings by trying to control the external environment and events.

I still occasionally fall into the control trap – pushing myself to do all the things I can, and putting in all the effort, and covering every base possible…and it isn’t helpful and we can get exhausted by this. And I’ve now learnt ways to manage this and still get to where I need to be with the results that I desire – see tips below.

The irony is, that the one thing that we can actually have control over, is the one thing that so few of us focus on – and that is controlling how we RESPOND to our thoughts and react to events that happen to us and around us. 

To be clear…this is NOT about not putting in any effort or working towards what you want to achieve, or just giving up because “what’s the point if you can’t control things?” 

It’s still important to take intentional action towards what we’d like to happen and to do our bit to contribute to that.

This is about recognising that you whilst can do EVERYTHING that you possibly you can, total control isn’t possible.

This acceptance can bring you great peace – because there is most often a gap between what we expect and the reality – and this is sometimes called the ‘happiness gap’. So, your happiness might be lower if what you expect from your job, relationship, partner, family member, holiday, is very different from the reality. If you have fewer expectations to start with and allow yourself to experience situations as they are, your happiness can be higher. NOTE – I did not say LOWER expectations, but fewer…or no expectations at all! Yes, that might sound odd, but I assure you it can be a game changer!

For example, if you’re doing all that you can towards something and therefore EXPECT it to be as you want because you’ve managed all the ‘controllables’, and a different outcome occurs, you may experience disappointment, despondency and possibly a feeling of self-blame, as if you didn’t try hard enough or have tight enough control. Or you might blame others. 

If you take a more balanced approach, and work towards being committed but not attached to you outcome, not only will the experience be more enjoyable, but you’re more likely to get to where you want to be. 

The beauty is, when we are not expending energy on things that we actually have no control over, we become much more focused on the important outcomes, and how we move towards those, how we respond to what happens, and we therefore have more time to work on what matters to us - and, eventually we will be happier and more successful. 

Perversely, by letting go of the need to ‘control’ things which we cannot, we’ll actually achieve the state that we really want in the first place – more success, enjoyment, more peace and more calm. 

It can take a while to let go, but, as with most unhelpful habits, once you do, it’s a whole, other, much more FREE world.

P.S. If you want to learn more about how to do this whilst designing and working towards the life that you want, applications are now open to work with me in a 1:1 programme from January 2022 – I only have 6 more spots, with two of these already reserved 🤩🤩

I’m inviting applications until 17th September, I will be taking calls between 20th and 30th September, with spots to be filled by Friday 8th October. Apply today - I’m excited for you, and looking forward to meeting you soon 🙂