It's time...

There’s a version of me that I’ve visited.

A 30-something version. She’s sat on the couch in the house she shares with her husband. In the house that she bought to try and make him happy - because finally he’ll be happy and ok now, right? Because now we own a house with garden. As that’s what he wanted. To buy a house. And he loves a garden. Needs a garden, even. It’ll be good for his inner peace, meditative. And we also have a pet. And he loves animals. That will help, too. 

But as she’s on the couch she’s dying inside.

Because despite all of this, nothing is different.

She still feels as if she is waiting for him to choose her.

To choose them. To do what needs to be done so that they can be happy.

Over the years she has cried and yelled, and, quite literally, begged him.

Begged him to do what he keeps saying “I will, I’m going to”.

She’s begging for them - because she knows that we all need to face ourselves when things arise, when ‘stuff’ from our early formative lives surfaces unexpectedly.

And we need to do this before we can be there fully and completely for anyone else that we love.

It’s as if we’re all carrying invisible shopping bags and we have no idea that they’re there, and we just live our lives. Then, suddenly, something happens to make those heavy bags visible – sometimes it can even be a positive event.

And those bags – they’re SO heavy. They’re impossible to carry and yet we can’t put them down anywhere.

We must unpack them.

And the only way to manage is with some form of therapeutic practice.

And it is all totally normal for humans to be this way.

When the past comes crashing in and brings us pain we didn’t even know that we were still carrying, the only solution is inwards. 

She knows because she has also had to do a lot of this ‘work’. She knows it is hard. 

She’s picked up her shopping bags and unpacked them again, and again, and again.

But you can’t unpack anyone else’s – even when you want to - that’s the rule.

And it’s been over a decade of hearing him say “I will, I promise. I’m going to”.

And all the while they live as best they can together. 

And in that decade they have also suffered desperately hard times and tragedies. It’s been incredible that they have managed this far.

But all the other recent traumas are still a distraction. Because the issues that need facing (and can only be faced by him), were there before and they’re still there. 

She’s watched him change, some of it almost imperceptibly.

She feels as if she is now pulling him through life; persuading him to enjoy life, persuading him to love things and find joy in things, trying to help him find things to light him up again…and trying to bring back the version of him that she knows is still there…

…and it feels as if she is persuading him to love her. 

She’s interpreted this as that she isn’t enough - she isn’t loved enough by him for him to do the ‘work’ that is needed for them to be happy and their marriage to be ok. 

Which of course isn’t true. He loves her immensely. And yet only as much as the ‘stuff’ will allow. 

And she’s not leaving. She is NEVER leaving. She loves him too much.

But her deep sadness exists because, no matter what she says or does, nothing changes. 

It’s like he is deaf. Or that she’s screaming but it’s silent and no one hears her.

And so, she is trapped.

She will never leave, and yet in staying she is slowly shrinking. Her energy and esteem slowly leeching out of her.

There is a quote that says “Grief is an amputation, but hope is incurable haemophilia: you bleed and bleed and bleed.”

And still she stays. Bleeding. Hoping. And wishing, that one day, she will be enough. Her love WILL be enough. 

She just needs to try harder. 

If she’s an even better wife, if she tries even harder, takes them on even better vacations, gives him all the space and time he needs…then it will be ok. Because he has promised her:

“I will, I’m going to”.

She will wait even longer. To do what he has to do for them to be happy.

And she says that she’ll wait, that they’ll do it together – that she can help.

And they will both be ‘fixed’.

And also, someone, somewhere, wrote a song lyric that said “love is all you need”. And that’s true, right? 

I try to reach her. To speak to her and ask her how long she thinks she can carry on?  You know, it’s been well over 10 years. Is there part of her that needs to let go, in order for her to survive? 

She is adamant. 

“No.” She says.

“I KNOW there’s a place for us. I KNOW there is. Somewhere. And all I have to do is stay and wait – and he WILL choose me, because he promised me. And its been this long and I’ve stayed all this time, I KNOW he will. Because I trust him to. Because he promised me. Because he’s seen what this does to us. Because I love him and he loves me. I KNOW my Moo will do this. I KNOW it”.

And I don’t know how to tell her that isn’t how it works.

That, one day, years from now, after even more illness and grief, she simply won’t be able to stay. 

But…what I could also tell her is that she IS enough. She always was.

And one day, years from now, she will know it, feel it, BELIEVE it and live it.

And that? That will change her life.