"You really think you're the bee's knees don't you?"

“You really think you’re the bee’s knees, don’t you?” the teacher snarled at me, with a disgusted scowl on her face.

I couldn’t have been more stunned if she’d slapped me. How could she be so wrong?

I was 14, and had done something minor & ‘naughty’ at school.

In her dressing down of me, this was her main point. Shaming me - not for what I had done, but her mis-perception that I thought I was worth something.

It was a common theme throughout my life from various figures – mistaking a naturally exuberant personality with self-confidence, or (worse) ‘loving yourself’ & then, usually, trying to crush it in some way, teach me a lesson or ‘bring me down a peg or two’.

Teachers, colleagues, bosses, boyfriends, so-called friends*

In reality, I was riddled with self-doubt. Sometimes self-loathing. No love for myself at all.

Never proud of myself.

If a piece of pride or self-love ever crept in, I pushed it away. Terrified that it was true – that I did “love myself” & also that I didn’t deserve it, I was not good enough.

Internalising others’ (incorrect) assumptions of me.

Anything I achieved was as a result of pushing through this barrier, fighting the self-doubt, the inner critic, the imposter syndrome demons all the way.

I was not enough. I never would be. Or often, I was “too much”.

But maybe if I did this thing, or got that job, or worked that little bit harder (I saw myself as lazy), I would earn approval. I would be SEEN. I would be loved.

The shine that all people have, for some, mine was ‘too much’. How dare I be this person? How dare I be so confident? (to them, outwardly). WHO WAS I to have this, deserve this, be this?

They wanted to snuff it out. They did. I believed them.

I kept trying to fight this & earn self-confidence & self-worth through what I did. To deserve it, to really FEEL it.

Seeking reassurance in the wrong places to assuage my insecurities.

Acting confident.

The voices inside never stopped, no matter what milestones I achieved. Running a marathon, getting married, working with the country’s leaders in Whitehall, starting my own business, re-training, getting more qualifications…nothing worked to quieten the critic.

Until I found the answers. I found my guide. My coach. I did the real ‘inner work’ that people talk about.

That wasn’t easy. It was messy & painful at times. But it was also beautiful & liberating & joyful.

I was free.

Now, yes, I do love myself. In all the healthy ways that one should.

Because I do, I can love my clients. And – most importantly – I can show them what is possible &, crucially, HOW.

I help to free them.

They are my shiny ones, & they really ARE the bee’s knees.

And so are YOU. I believe in you.

But, if you don’t feel it & can’t see how you could ever believe it, I’d love to talk to you about what it would be like to work together. Head over to the Contact section to get in touch.

(*thankfully, never my incredible family. I’m lucky in that regard).